Boom's In The Frame
This seems as good a place as any to start. Start over. I false started this blog several years ago. If you go back before this post, it's mostly complaints and confessions, and some pretty funny stuff that makes me giggle re-reading it after years of forgetting it existed.
I started it to cope. I'd lost everything somewhere. Not sure where I left it all. It's taken about 10 years to feel okay again. Better than okay, well. I've always been a dreamer, explicit, wild dreams-- dreams that solved things, fixed things, even a dream that somehow led to me being able to run more than a mile.
I'll explain, because I've realized other people don't dream like that. For me, dreams have been just as large of part of my life as anything that's happened consciously. I'm quite uncertain if I'd have kept going all the times I considered quitting life, if it hadn't been for the magical dreams.
The first one that made me realize they were helping me make sense of this life was one of bees, huge muppet bees, their carpeted exterior fading, shaggy, falling from their fat ligatures. I saw the dream from several perspectives at once, from the perspective of the actor-- I was charged with running and feigning fear of these bees chasing me. I was also the filmmaker, seeing myself through the video camera lens, while some inept jerk was running along with both of me, holding the boom. It was in the frame. It was always in the frame. I kept thinking, "Damn it, just lift it a little higher, dum dum!" But both of me dutifully ran through the field, pretending to be afraid of muppet bees and taping myself for this movie. In the middle of the field sits a swimming pool. Not a pond, but a perfectly rectangular, chlorine colored Olympic pool, with the lines at the bottom and all that. I jump in, let myself sink. Underwater, I let myself break character. I giggle, because other me, the one with the camera, can't see. And so what if she did, I got away from the bees! I have every right to be happy.
I realized, I suppose, without dumbing it down too much, that life is that inept boom operator. And when we start to see US, ourselves, as ourselves, is where life starts to make sense.
I started it to cope. I'd lost everything somewhere. Not sure where I left it all. It's taken about 10 years to feel okay again. Better than okay, well. I've always been a dreamer, explicit, wild dreams-- dreams that solved things, fixed things, even a dream that somehow led to me being able to run more than a mile.
I'll explain, because I've realized other people don't dream like that. For me, dreams have been just as large of part of my life as anything that's happened consciously. I'm quite uncertain if I'd have kept going all the times I considered quitting life, if it hadn't been for the magical dreams.
The first one that made me realize they were helping me make sense of this life was one of bees, huge muppet bees, their carpeted exterior fading, shaggy, falling from their fat ligatures. I saw the dream from several perspectives at once, from the perspective of the actor-- I was charged with running and feigning fear of these bees chasing me. I was also the filmmaker, seeing myself through the video camera lens, while some inept jerk was running along with both of me, holding the boom. It was in the frame. It was always in the frame. I kept thinking, "Damn it, just lift it a little higher, dum dum!" But both of me dutifully ran through the field, pretending to be afraid of muppet bees and taping myself for this movie. In the middle of the field sits a swimming pool. Not a pond, but a perfectly rectangular, chlorine colored Olympic pool, with the lines at the bottom and all that. I jump in, let myself sink. Underwater, I let myself break character. I giggle, because other me, the one with the camera, can't see. And so what if she did, I got away from the bees! I have every right to be happy.
I realized, I suppose, without dumbing it down too much, that life is that inept boom operator. And when we start to see US, ourselves, as ourselves, is where life starts to make sense.
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